Get all 5 Ben Huff releases available on Bandcamp and save 15%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Long Canyon, Ambient Music for Indie Games That Don't Exist, Ascent, Dissent, and Transmissions.
1. |
blirblirblir
08:17
|
|||
|
BLUR BLUR BLUR
i was daydreaming
i was dreaming in a horrible way
you do not know who the enemy is
the enemy is water
you asked me what the color of water is
of course it is
a long slow pull
what are you thinking about?
i can tell you're thinking about something
is it the color of the sky?
it is
is it blurry, your thinking?
you're thinking that it is blurry
the world when you're thinking of it is fast
you're thinking of a bed you used to dream in
you're thinking of falling asleep in that bed
a small bed with your small body in it
you're remembering
you're remembering the feeling in the morning
how the bed changed
when you were a child you were petulant
you did not want to fall asleep
you wanted to keep your thoughts where you could
see them
but eventually you grew tired in your hateful bed
you drew the sheets around you it was wrong
bed too small sheets wrong too stiff too hot too much
and in the morning the bed was different
you were different it was the best place
you could not imagine a better place
it had warmed to you it made you believe the world was soft
the world was blurry but the bed was the world
it was where you wanted to be it was impossible
you wanted to go back into that world the bed made
the dream was safe it was beautiful and strange
you were you but different, stronger you saw clearly
the world of the dream had whims you followed them
the dream had a river you followed it you thought
i have to see the mouth of this river and you did
you kissed the mouth of the river it was cool and sweet
you sipped the world with your perfect mouth
and you knew you knew you knew you could return anytime
to this place that you had found on your own brave way
it was your place and still and sweet and you promised
you promised you would come back
but then you woke into the blurry world
you grew up and you forgot you forgot your special place
you grew into the world as it was
|
||||
2. |
{-=-=-}
03:49
|
|||
3. |
Weeds
01:09
|
|||
|
WEEDS
i had a hard time parsing cause and effect. there were times when my body would be sick and i knew i should do something to take care of it, but i was too afraid to go to the doctor or even the urgent care clinic. i was afraid of spending money, and also i didn't have health insurance. and when i saw the litany of tragedy that made up the majority of my internet life, i couldn't find the energy to give my problems any weight.
my friend nel likes to say that the bigger the leak the safer you are. i felt great anxiety about forgetting my passwords. i worried that they were too simple and that if discovered they would reveal my stupidity. but i couldn't remember any of the strong passwords that i made up. eventually i began writing them down on a piece of paper i kept in the top drawer of my desk. this didn't seem any safer, though maybe it was.
my whole life i had been terrified of getting in trouble. i was afraid of consequences so i did whatever i could to avoid them. this was apparent in my love life. i was so afraid of being rejected that i never made the first move, or when i did i would couch it in a joke. i clung to the lifeline of plausible deniability. i would love to deny my whole life.
|
||||
4. |
TEST 2
03:08
|
|||
5. |
Mistakes
00:21
|
|||
|
MISTAKES
i dropped the bowl in the sink and it shattered
my first thought was
i need to undrop this
and then i wrapped it in soft paper
nestled in with my other garbage
goodbye blue
goodbye perfection
i have made a lot of mistakes
and sometimes i catch them
and sometimes years later
and sometimes i don't
|
||||
6. |
donkeye dreem
03:17
|
|||
7. |
Weeds
00:56
|
|||
|
WEEDS
i couldn't see anything outside of its immediate context. i felt that i was playing at being a person. i wondered if we all were, but then thought that if that was true then everyone else was doing a much better job.
i couldn't seem to make myself do the things that came so easily to other people. i wondered if this was training or disposition or some combination of the two. i had a hard time brushing my teeth, something that most people over the age of say seven had mastered. i couldn't drive and to be honest the thought of it terrified me. it seemed to me that it would be so easy to kill another person or myself or at least cause thousands of dollars in damage in the matter of seconds. i thought of all the teenager that i encountered every day who seemed to share none of my anxiety. they got in their cars or their parents' cars and drove themselves to school and to their jobs at the mall and to parties. they drank and drove. i didn't drink and i didn't drive.
|
||||
8. |
||||
9. |
||||
|
LESS MONEY MORE MONEY THE MOST MONEY
when i was a baby
i had no money
for my fifth birthday
my grandfather gave me 100 dollars
that was the most money
i thought that was the most money
that existed
my grandfather took me to the mall
with all the money
my grandfather took me to the disney store
i spent all the money in the disney world
did you know
there's a secret clubhouse at disney world?
you knock on a door and say a password
and it costs 35 thousand dollars a year to be a member
this is the first year i've ever made more than 35 thousand dollars
this is the first year i've ever made more than 24 thousand dollars
i once broke up with a friend because we disagreed over if
15 thousand dollars is a lot of money
i still think 100 dollars is a lot of money
i will still pick up a dollar off the ground
i don't know anyone who won't
|
||||
10. |
nnn
04:20
|
|||
11. |
octone
05:15
|
|||
12. |
Weeds
01:21
|
|||
|
WEEDS
at times i looked at myself in the mirror and found my face beautiful. i thought to myself that maybe i was secretly beautiful or not-so-secretly beautiful. and then in public i would see a beautiful woman and feel myself a fool. here in the world there were truly beautiful women. if i was the only woman in a room, maybe then i could be beautiful. i thought of swatches of white paint that one sees presented in strips like photobooth photos at the hardware store. they all looked white to me in isolation but stacked together it was undeniable that some of them were truly whiter than others.
sometimes i slept with beautiful women and was amazed at their beauty the entire time. i cupped their faces between my hands and stared, some of them knew how beautiful they were and those women let themselves be admired. some of them denied their own beauty and insisted on mine. i wanted to fight these women. i wanted to debate them in front of an audience. i would admit to some good features on my own face but in a taste test the audience would know which was coke and which pepsi. it was still a thrilling and fun game while playing, saying to each other no you're prettier. to most people probably this would be boring to watch. but i would watch it. i would watch a beautiful woman paint a room white and i would watch her watch it dry.
|
||||
13. |
pedalmed
02:35
|
|||
14. |
||||
|
"SOMETHING THERE IS THAT DOESN'T LOVE A WALL"
there is something in me that does not love being alone but loves how much i hate it. there is a self-destruct built in. there is me alone in a house full of food that i want to have and eat. it feels safe if the fridge is full and i want to eat. i didn't understand the saying. eating was having. i had to think of someone saying "i want to have my money and spend it too" to understand. i am morally bankrupt. i am broke the day before. i forgot how to fold. i want to feel full all the time. when my body gets bigger the second i feel it i would deny any self-knowledge. my body exists on a different realm i promise. i hate it and mute my mic and camera. i worry about you every day. i hate it. even having an opinion seems too much, don't you think? i had four feelings a day. i hated every thought that passed the bottom of my mind like ticker tape. they called it a chyron. it's trademarked.
|
||||
15. |
plchldr
03:53
|
|||
16. |
I Wanted to be Better
00:33
|
|||
|
I WANTED TO BE BETTER
and thus worthy
i didn't want to be a time waster
or worse someone who travels along
unaware of their own impact
when you said that i had changed i had to wonder
what does it mean? a coherent self?
coherent to whom? i was so worried
i wasn't good enough i couldn't do anything
(anything) but be miserable and now
i am happy (happy) and all i want to do
is sleep in and wake up next to you
read eat say sweet things over and over
go to sleep do it all again
|
||||
17. |
Pickleball Meditation
05:36
|
|||
18. |
||||
|
YOU SAY BAD GIRLS CAN GET IT
but have you ever considered whether bad girls should get it?
i constructed a very easy-to-understand syntax
you wore florals
it was fall this morning and their air crisped me
you said you resent being advertised to at all
it was fall and here you were wearing florals
like you didn't know the first rule of baseball
it's not a big deal
you let your body move free from conflict
you tighten your hold on potential
you give up in the face of doing a bad job
and then in the last second everything shifts
you know before it happens that you did it
you won
|
||||
19. |
||||
20. |
pterodactyl
03:15
|
|||
21. |
Weeds
01:20
|
|||
|
WEEDS
i'm not sure i did anything on purpose to get the life i wanted. i don't think i even knew what i wanted as it was happening. i made a choice from each available option. i liked being over-caffeinated. i liked getting just a little bit too much. i relished chain smoking, especially at night, walking around my dark neighborhoods. at first i lived in the crowded student neighborhoods on the outskirts of the universities that i either studied or adjuncted at. eventually i would live in small cities that cared about things like light pollution, and in those places they also kept it dark at night, on purpose.
i accused myself of not paying attention. or i told myself i was living each day as its own discrete experience. i never planned for the future. i rarely went to the dentist. i didn't keep track of my money. when i had it i bought olives in brine, seltzer, blood oranges. when i didn't have it i bought dollar boxes of pasta and jars of industrial peanut butter that i ate with a spoon for breakfast.
i felt like living a contradiction. i never wanted security but it came to me anyway. i never really wanted to make choices and found that if i ignored things for long enough choices were made for me. it turned out this was what living was.
|
||||
22. |
TEST 1
03:50
|
|||
Ben Huff New York, New York
NYC based saxophonist, composer, and improviser.
If you like Long Canyon, you may also like:
Natten (The Night)
by Bremer McCoy
featured on Bandcamp Radio Sep 14, 2021
go to album
the disagreeable subject of Varèse's father
by Stone Echidna
Textural cinematic music ranging from hovering drone to barren Appalachian folk, designed to create a mood of mystery.
go to album
HUMAN ERROR CLUB
by HUMAN ERROR CLUB
featured on Bandcamp Radio Sep 1, 2020
go to album
Inspired by a trip to Indonesia, “Fleeting Future” is an album chock full of dense and dizzying jazz compositions.
go to album
Lost in Place
by I Hold the Lion's Paw
The latest album from the electronic artist is a mash-up of musical influences including reggae, trance, prog rock, and free jazz.
go to album
K(no)w Them, K(no)w Us
by Xhosa Cole
The Birmingham, England-based jazz musician connects the genre's past, present, and future on his debut album.
go to album
featured on Bandcamp Radio Sep 2, 2014
go to album
